I haven't even written this yet and I can already hear mummy making a loud tut-sound with a sharp eyebrow-raise before saying, 'you never did that for me'. And she's probably right. I am dreadful at this kind of stuff. I just don't want you to make my mistake. What's more, if you get your wife/parter/girlfriend a sweet and thoughtful present that reminds her of being pregnant, or the early days of parenthood, your chances of being allowed to skip down to the pub to watch the rugby increase by about 97.8%. So get your lurverly lady something thoughtful for completely selfish reasons. But remember, how you pose the pub-rugby question is on you.
Anyway, to help you get a few pints in, I have kindly done the leg-work, researched a few bits and bobs that are out there and compiled a list of some epic ones. Don't worry, there are only 5, and they'll do the business. I promise you. From metrosexual male to beer-guzzling man, I promise you.
1. Bilbo's Bits And Bobs
Nothing says you care like a little personalised summin-summin that was handmade. What's more, the legend that runs this little operation has a wicked sense of humour, and a neat touch, so if you fancy something beautiful and heartfelt then fine, but if you want something funny and a little bit mad, then you are going to hit the jackpot here. I mean, f**k it, why not get a few sweet words put into a frame, but shake it up a bit by having Yoda say them. That'll stand out like a hippy in a boardroom.
2. Baby Bump Mold
Women love being pregnant. Maybe not all the time, but once they've given birth and forgotten all about the horror and agony that was endured for 23 hours, they miss it. So why not let them have the joy of being pregnant all the time without having a litter of children and a bank account sadder than a cookie that's too wide to be dunked into a glass of milk (oh the horrors) But how do you do this? Well, why not make a mold of their big beautiful baby bump, which you can then put on a plinth and stand in the corner of your living room (until you decide you did a terrible job and your mold looks like a fat builder bending over and you can see his crack, at which point you can sell the plinth and put the mold in the conservatory along with all your other unwantables that you can't admit you don't want).
3. Hand-slash-Foot Print
This is kind of like the baby bump thing, except you call all do it, and really is cute. You have no idea how fast a kid goes from totally adorable to a little sh*t, so why not remember the good old days, before you came home to find your widescreen TV has been painted with PVA glue, your shoes have been turned into sandals and your bedroom is now a jungle, consisting of 1 million cuddly toys and Tarzan.
4. Frame Something Special
Okay, so you've just realised it's Valentines Day or her Birthday or Mother's Day, which is nice and f**king terrible at the same time because you haven't got her anything, like a total d*ck. Well, if that's you, I'll hurry up and save your relationship. Nip out and buy a box frame (I think that's what they are called). Once done, go and find your scrabble board. Remove the letters that will make up the words 'I Love You'. Then run into your bedroom; in her drawer, in that baby box she puts things in, there will be something special the image you got to keep from her first ultrasound scan. Get it. Then stick them all in the frame, wrap it up using the paper from an old Grazia magazine and hand it to her. You have just been granted a weekend away with the lads. Boom.
Book her a spa day or a spa weekend or, better yet, book a holiday to somewhere that has a hotel with a spa in it. This is an absolute cop out of a present. You know it. I know it. She knows it. But she will still love it. It could be that you find dirt-cheap flights to Oradea in Romania that allow you to leave tomorrow. This may not seem ideal, but do it, just make sure you book into the only nice Hotel in the entire city, which can be found in this link. F*ck I'm good at this unorthodox parenting advice thing. Anyway, you are welcome.